Red Roses Letter 7; To my Abuser
Thinking of you makes me sick to my stomach. Five years down the line and your name still leaves a revolting taste in my mouth. See I’m not angry cause you hurt me no…I hate you cause you made me hurt myself. Loving you was the worst form of self-infliction I went through.
So where do I start? I guess I’ll start with the lies. Honestly this was my fault, because I should have walked away from the moment this happened. The number of times you cheated and made a fool out of me should’ve been enough for me to hate you. I never believed a word you said, but I couldn’t stop listening. I let go hoping that one day you’d stop…And you did.
It felt like we started again, it was our clean page of love and secrets so untold. It was the perfect beginning to a twisted love story I guess. My untouched lips… I hated it. Not for the silly, childish reasons most would give to why their first kiss was awful. I hated it cause deep down I was still hurt, but I convinced myself that he was trying.
I was weirdly detached and painfully shy at the time, I think I still am. Anyway I still find it insane that I never quite understood how much of your mind you had lost. When I think about it now I see all the signs…signs I seemed to miss…maybe signs I just ignored. Whatever it was point still remains that I should’ve walked away the moment the abuse started. The bullets from your mouth made it hard to look into a mirror, but I convinced myself that you were right and I’d fix myself. Then the threats and the violence left people asking questions I’d call “Unnecessary”. I still made excuses for your lame ass. When you got drunk and called me names…and all I’d say is “I love you.” When you’d force yourself on me I’d only blame myself.
By now I think anyone reading this is aware of the situation. I apologize if you need more details of your sins, but I have no intense of going that far into memories I promised to forget. I could talk about all the awful things you did, but it would only be a waste. I hate you for destroying my life. You made me detest the girl in the mirror. You’re the reason I had nightmares for the past 4years. THE REASON I STILL FEEL EMPTY!!! How could you claim you love and still hurt me so much, both physically and emotionally!? I was young and had nothing but love for you even though I was breaking inside. I wanted to save you from the dark even though I was losing myself to it. You were my sweet sacrifice! I hurt because you hurt! My heart broke when you told me what they did to you and this was the reason I still smiled even when I was dying inside. I guess instead of pulling you to the light, you pulled me into the dark.
I hate you… I hate your name…your stupid name. One day I’m going to forget your name. I don’t care about the things they did to you! You had no right to break me just because you were broken. If you honestly loved me…I wouldn’t have these scars, not the physical, but the emotional ones. How could you let me believe that I was dirt, that I was nothing but disgusting dirt!? How could you make me hate the world at such a young age!? How could you convince me that death was the only option!? HOW!???…all I did was love you despite the monster you are.
Anyway, you barely cross my mind these days…doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. In fact I think I’d lose my sanity if I saw you. I seem to be doing well, and holding myself together now. I’ve met new people and learned a lot. I even started talking to the people of our past…funny right? Unfortunately this doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you…I can try forget of your existence, but I’m sure that I’d still want to hurt you if I saw you. On the bright side I am not you…and I will never be you. I’m broken but I will still continue loving and caring for others. I pray that one day God will soften my heart and I will forgive you, maybe then all my demons will be put to sleep. Sad part is I’d never hurt you…even if we had to do this all again.
*Blogger’s note. These letters are not for the light-hearted. When I was told this story by the writer I teared up. To get the updates as soon each time a letters comes out follow me on Bloglovin’ or sign up with your email.*
- Posted in: Reflections