Why I’m mad at God…
So it’s been a while since my last post, but having closed the semester I do believe I will have more time to update ya’al on perrfect imperrfections. Now today I’m going to take a break from my heart break rules series –though we do only have one more post to go- because I want to rant, and the best way to rant is to write it down and make it look like a deep, intentional, philosophical post lol.
So here goes. I am mad at God. Okay maybe not mad, frustrated really and we are sorting out our differences but still I just had to admit how I feel. Recently, my parents have been going through a really tough phase financially, like super crazy bad.
I have watched my mum cry out to God a lot and because she and I are close she tells me about her talks with Him. She has so much faith and stuff that this is just a Job season and it is going to pass, that faith is what has been carrying her since last year. The weird thing is that I have quite a number of friends who are going through the exact same thing. It’s like a crazy financial firewall that cannot be breached and I really just don’t understand!
I mean God listens to our prayers right? He is real yeah? So is he just ignoring them on purpose?!
Then reason number two. I have been having these super deep talks with my brother as well recently, and he has been questioning God’s existence and whether it can be proved as factual and scientifically founded. It has been super hard for me, especially when he asks questions that I cannot answer. You see for me, I think one of things that I inherited from my mother is faith so I don’t need to dig deep into evolution verses creation theories to see which one is more factual or sound. I believe because what is the alternative? For me it’s too depressing to think about a world and life without a purpose, you are born, you live, you die! Why????
My brother on the other hand is very logical and his words were, “It just seems to me that both sides have their own ways to prove why they are right and it’s just a choice I have to make.” Then he would ask me questions like “If God exists why doesn’t He just show Himself to us to prove it? Or if the Bible is real then how can a God who claims to love people kill millions of innocent people in the old testament? Innocent women and children because of something their father did? Or if He knows the past, present and future why can’t he stop evil things from happening in the future? Or do we really have a choice in the matter of getting saved if he knows everyone who will ultimately end up in heaven and everyone who will end up in hell? And those people who lived in indigenous villages and never once got to hear the gospel, do they go to hell because they never got a chance to believe in Jesus?
So when I was in my room I literally went before God and was like, ‘wth?! I mean really? You said that I don’t have to defend you, that you would reveal yourself to every individual and it is so tiresome trying to explain and defend your actions. I mean you are God, you literally can do anything you want so why can’t you just speak clearly? Like in a dream? Or a voice from Heaven? I know I have your Word but even in your Word I feel like I understand David when he said, “How long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” Ps. 13:1-2
I realized that a lot of David’s Psalms are actually like this. We, or let me say I am used to all his “and I will rest in the shadow of the almighty… oh how my soul longs for you… you are everything I need… I rest in you” *unwavering happy moment* psalms, yet there are so many “Lord I can’t do this anymore, it feels like you are not here and I am just a man. Can you even hear me crying out to you? Are you out there?” *clueless doubting desperate* Psalms.
And it has helped me realize that it’s okay to have those moments with God because even in though there was moments of heart-breaking despair and darkness, the light won victorious in David’s life.
You know what, let’s make a deal hey?
I know I’m going through my issues and you may be going through your issues, but I won’t give up if you don’t? Just get down on your knees and tell God, “at some point you have got to come through, because I am not, no matter what giving up on my faith. I believe you know what you are doing in my life (and in my family’s lives) and I am tired of stressing about things that are out of my control so I choose to trust in you, I choose faith…